Queen to C-8, Checkmate

 

Queen to C-8, Checkmate

It’s not always cancer. I mean, you can be a bit of a one-trick pony if you only talk about the thing that’s dominating your life. 

Above this writing is a (hopefully animated) gif of a chess game that I played yesterday. Since I lost my dad at the beginning of 2024, my online chess partner has gone away. He and I were always ranked pretty closely, and we’d win in what I’d call “waves.” He’d win most of the time, then I’d start to win a few, then I’d have a streak going. Of course my wave would break, and his would start to build again. The game above, is against a bot rated at 1900, and I beat “Olga” after many attempts. A poor substitute for my dad. But I still get a lot of satisfaction beating the bot, especially because they’re so much better than I am.

Chess was a pursuit which, for me, is a lot like running is for some people. They do it because they enjoy it, not because they’re ever going to be an Olympic runner, neither will I become a master or a grandmaster in chess. I do it because I like the game, and I want to improve. My interest, rather than my strength or ability is what keeps me going.

Most people don’t play chess. Or if they did, they learned the basics of the game and understand it, but don’t have a deep and abiding love of the game. I have a love of the game, but not an obsession. Which touches on how I view life. I don’t seem to have an obsession with much of anything. I have interests, strong interests. But OBSESSIONS? Nope. Nada. Zip.

For so many of us, we’ve been taught by the media or family that if you don’t have a passion (a positive obsession, for the most part) then you aren’t fully living. You’re wasting talent. 

Or

That’s just something that I’m putting on myself, and seeing it as a societal expectation. 

When I was a kid, my mom used to say “do what you love, and the money will come.” I appreciate the sentiment. It’s a variation of the Twain saying “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never work a day in your life.” Alternatively, it’s attributed to Confucius, who lived 2500 years ago. So, it’s not a new or foreign thought. I like the idea. Truly. But it’s also kind of well-intentioned, but slightly wrong. Jobs are jobs. Even hobbies feel like jobs. I have never met anyone who has said that they love EVERYTHING about his or her job. However, I have met people who love what they do and tolerate the few things that annoy them about their jobs. I suppose that it’s all about getting the ratio right when it comes to cool stuff vs bullshit. 

A lot of people don’t get to make those kinds of decisions. They just need to work. For them, isn’t pleasurable, it’s just meant to pay the bills. I’m not sure i would like to live that life, but I’m also sure that if it was necessary, I would, because that just, well, life. 

But how does this tie back to chess and passion?

I can’t really verify that I have passion about much. I mean I guess that my passion is more of an all-inclusive thing. My passion is experience and loving to learn about things and how to make. Making art, making puppets, making an antique car work better than it did. I like to fix things. I like to explore. I abhor intellectual incuriosity. Those who aren’t interested in learning drive me up the f’in wall. Learning a little or a lot about a lot of things, but not EVERYTHING about some things seems to be my modus operandi. I learn what I consider to be enough, then I move on to something that interests me more.

There was a guy on YouTube named Adam Kreutinger. This self described “Puppet Nerd” was younger than me, extremely accessible and made LOTS of videos about making puppets. Actual “Muppet” style puppets which were high quality. He was also a primary school teacher. About two years ago, he announced that he had brain cancer. At the time, my pre-cancer self had a lot of empathy for this man who brought a lot of learning and joy to a lot of people. Just last week, there was a video on his channel, a celebration of life, and we all know what that means. Goddamnit. The Puppet Nerd lost his “fight.” The man who was passionate about puppets and his art and his teaching. Yet, he didn’t make it. We all don’t make it over a long enough timeline, but dying in your 40s is really not making it, and unfair. He was passionate about something to the point of obsession. 

When I look at someone like him I sometimes wonder if a life without an overriding passion about something… anything… is a life well spent? Yet, I have to be true to myself. 

My “passion” is also my variety. I love to try new things. SO. VERY. MUCH. So I guess I can say that yes, I don’t really feel any regrets about how I life my life. Aside from not engaging my interests as much as I could because of distractions (YouTube, anyone?). But with regards to not having an obsessive passion, I think that’s okay not to feel you have to life that way. 

Chess is my passion, until it isn’t. Art is my passion until I get bored. Fixing stuff is great love until I want to move on to car maintenance. I’m all over the map, and frankly, aren’t people who are “all over the map” the ones who have seen more of the world? 

I wrote that it’s not always about the cancer, and in a way, it’s not. And yet it is. It’s about me reflecting on my life and whether it’s well-spent. Whether I have regrets. We’re supposed to, right? At this point in my life, I don’t really feel that I have much to regret. I have learned to live a life of authenticity, and that has made all the difference in my “cancer journey.” No matter what happens, Live or die (early) I’ll be fine. 

I’m going to be fine.